Passive
Your needs go unspoken to avoid conflict or disappointment. Resentment tends to build quietly.
“It's fine, whatever you want.”
Assertive communication & boundaries · Utah & California
Say what you need. Keep the relationship. Keep yourself.
If you're the one who keeps the peace, over-explains, says yes when you mean no, and replays every conversation for days afterward, nothing is wrong with you. You learned a strategy that once kept you safe or connected. Therapy helps you build a new one.
In short
Assertive communication therapy helps you express your needs, feelings, and limits clearly and respectfully, without shutting down or blowing up. It combines practical skills, often drawn from DBT, with deeper work on the guilt, fear, and old patterns that make speaking up feel risky.
What assertiveness really is
Assertiveness isn't confrontation. It's clarity.
This is what I feel.
This is what I need.
This is what I'm willing to do.
This is what I'm not willing to do.
And I can handle you having feelings about that.
Communication styles
Passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, or assertive?
Most of us move between all four depending on the person and the stakes. Noticing your default is the first step toward choosing something different.
Aggressive
Needs are expressed at the other person's expense, through blame, pressure, or raised voices.
“You never think about anyone but yourself.”
Passive-aggressive
Needs come out sideways: sarcasm, silence, withdrawal, or “forgetting.”
“No, really. I'm fine.”
Assertive
Needs are stated clearly and kindly, while respecting the other person's right to their own response.
“I'd like to help, but I can't take this on this week.”
Why do I feel guilty when I set a boundary?
Guilt usually means you've broken an old rule, not that you've done something wrong. If you grew up learning that other people's comfort came first, or that love depended on being easy to be around, saying no will set off alarms, even when it's completely reasonable.
The guilt fades with practice. In therapy we work on both sides: the skills to set the boundary, and the self-compassion to sit with the discomfort afterward without backpedaling.
What is people-pleasing?
People-pleasing is a pattern of putting other people's approval ahead of your own needs, often automatically. It frequently develops in environments where keeping others happy kept you safe, loved, or out of trouble.
- Saying yes before you've checked whether you want to
- Apologizing for things that aren't your fault
- Feeling responsible for other people's moods
- Over-explaining every decision
- Struggling to know what you actually want
Boundary, request, or ultimatum: what's the difference?
A request asks someone else to change: “Could you text me if you'll be late?” A boundary describes what you will do: “If the conversation turns to yelling, I'll step away and we can try again later.” An ultimatum uses a threat to control someone else's behavior. Boundaries protect you without requiring anyone else to cooperate, which is why they work.
Coming soon
Finding Your Voice: a Golden Thread guide to boundaries, assertive communication & self-compassion
A practical workbook from Erin with scripts for hard conversations, exercises for untangling guilt, and prompts for understanding where your patterns came from. Join the list to get free resources and be the first to know when it's ready.
Questions
Boundaries & assertiveness FAQ
Can therapy help with people-pleasing?
Yes. Therapy helps you understand where people-pleasing came from, notice it as it happens, and practice saying what you actually think and need. Over time, your sense of worth becomes less dependent on other people's approval.
Is being assertive selfish?
No. Assertiveness means respecting your own needs and the other person's at the same time. It's often more caring than people-pleasing, because it lets people know the real you and prevents resentment from building up.
What if someone doesn't respect my boundary?
A boundary is about what you will do, so it still works even if the other person doesn't like it. In therapy we plan for pushback: what to say, how to follow through, and how to care for yourself when someone you love is upset.
How does DBT help with assertive communication?
DBT includes a set of interpersonal effectiveness skills that give you a clear structure for asking for what you need, saying no, keeping relationships intact, and holding on to your self-respect. As a board-certified DBT clinician, Erin teaches these skills directly and helps you practice them in real situations.
How long does it take to become more assertive?
Many people notice small shifts within a few weeks of practicing new skills. Changing a long-standing pattern, especially one rooted in early experiences, usually takes longer. Progress tends to show up as less guilt, faster recovery after hard conversations, and more honest relationships.
Your needs matter. Let's practice saying so.
A free 15-minute call is a low-pressure way to see if we're a good fit. Tell me a little about what's going on, ask anything you'd like, and leave with a clear next step either way.
Online therapy for adults located in Utah and California. If you are in crisis, call or text 988 or dial 911.
